Ja, the conspiracy ja ...

There is a conspiracy.

It was a dark and dastardly night when all the customs agents across the world decided to meet and discuss how they could best terrorize their hapless travelers without actually, well, 'literally' terrorizing them … that's illegal right?! Hpfhsgfktgnv ...

Sample this conversation between me and the customs agent at Dusseldorf airport … a sturdy Deutschlander of negatable social skills and obviously zero charm.

SHE: You packed this bag yourself ja? No-one else put anything in it … ja ja?

ME: Umm … yes … all me, my two little hands … these worker's hands ... ha ha umm … (on encountering no smile at the other end)

SHE: You traveling alone ja? Nobody with you ja?

ME: Yes … that’s it … I …

SHE: So weapons and other objects that could be used in terrorist activities are there in this bag … na? Ja?

ME: Yes, of course … yes they … wait what did you ask? Hey that was totally a trick question!!! No they’re not … I DO NOT WANT …

SHE: No explosions can be caused from this bag ja? You know …

ME: NO No explosions can be caused from the bag JA … No bag, no boom … comprende?!

SHE: You understand that people try to take in banned activities onto plane? Understand? Ja?

ME: Well … I’m most definitely not taking any ‘activities’ onto the plane … heh, heh … traveling alone you see … and …

SHE: So your bag no explode on the trip? Ja?

ME: OK, I don’t know about the bag, but something standing next to the bag just might decide to explode if this ridiculous line of questioning continues … I am not carrying anything explosive, I don’t …

SHE: Ja, so you are also saying that you have no weapons in this bag … is that correct?

ME: Weapons? What weapons?

SHE: Aah. You have the weapons then …

INNER ME: (Obviously at the broken end of the tether now and now most of this conversation occurs in my head)
Yes you retard – I’m carrying 3 Uzis, 1 Kalashnikov and a generous smattering of AK-47s. Oh and a couple of hand grenades just in case the rest of your family shows up …

ME: Ok, lady … I have no weapons, I have no bombs, I have nothing … nothing … NOTHING … if I don’t have … toooooooo (Only Whitney fans may get this)

SHE: (Looks dismissively at bag and me … sadly me and Osama do not bear a great family resemblance) Ok … ja … you can go.

ME: THANK you … sheesh.

Until I hear behind me – “You carry weapons inside the bag ja?” and a terrified looking elderly lady with fake teeth bent over the walking stick looks like she’s about to take out one of the imaginary weapons and shoot herself … ah well – so they do this to everyone. It’s fine then.

(PS: Have travelled to Berkeley with my adorable niece and a pile of goo that has escaped my mouth ... more umrican updates to follow)